Salad Time

Unfortunately its that time of year again where salads take over our lives. We did it in 2008 and now we're doing it again in 2009. Pud and I have to put down our favourite foods and let the Romaine rule the fridge. How dreadful! At this time I would just like to thank the crunchy peanut butter and triple fruit jelly for topping my 'everything' bagels for the last couple months. You will be sadly missed and hopefully I will see you again when I make Ants on a Log with my celery sticks. PF just wanted to express his gratitude to the measuring cup mommy has used during the summer months while he has been "exercising" (rolling) on the front lawn during the beautiful weather. Back to weight control for the both of us and the excuse of  pounds to insulate ourselves for the winter is out of the question. 

Ho Ho Ho

Its almost December so I'm getting into the Christmas spirit! I found this family portrait saved to my old computer today and I thought it was a good time to show it off. This is pretty much the typical Christmas morning at my house. Horsing around, rolling with Franco, somebody screaming and crying and *not shown*, lots of wine!!! 

Oh, DUG how I love thee

I went home to Hammershat this weekend to see the family and Dr. Wardrope to get my teeth cleaned. Daddio aka. DUG was home and wanted to practice his guitar for his annual Christmas recital at the house. After putting his concert gear on (ie: Led Zeppelin tee and train conductor hat) he was good to go and rocked the socks right off us in the basement while the HO scale train set "Choo Chooed" behind us.

What a weekend!!  

Christmas in September

Hallelujah!

What a week! I miss my blog so here I am!

I bought a washing machine with my own money. Thank you Craigslist! After watching all my clothes pile up over the course of a month into my one teeny hamper I decided that I was either going to spend $20 at the laundromat or get a used machine. Am I ever glad I chose the second option. $65 and clean clothes forever!! So I set it up last night, waited through the Wash, Rinse and Spin cycles and listened as "Jingle Bells" played from my washer for the final 30 seconds. What an invention!!! Doesn't everyone love Christmas??? Now they can reminisce about that joyful occasion 365 days a year while doing mindless housework such as laundry. Thank God there's a company out there thinking about their customers needs.

Flower Child

Its Andrew's Birthday!!

and Sarah (Bunny-Rex) and I are doing Keg Stands in his honor. Look out boys, Here We Come!!

Leaping Lizards!

Jeeze Louise! Somebody ate crack for breakfast.

weee weeee weeeeeee!!

So its the weekend and momma & papa Ward came for a visit to me and Puddingface/puddingsworth's new pad. We got new curtains, pictures and shelving units and mom weeded the entire lawn.

PF and I are in a great mood. We will probably play on MS paint tonight making pictures for our blog.

Hello!!

Back from holidays and will be reporting tonight. Please join for some interesting summer reads.

Thanks for your patience,

Management

Still alive, just busy.

there will be comic updates very soon!!!!

gotta get through this dang interview process first.

xo

Here's a Science Experiment!

just another adventure

Somebody's bored...

Retards Unite!!!

Wanted: Apartment for 1 Bia and 1 Puddin' Pop

Brit Accents & Bitches

Here is a picture of Julie and I last night on our Hostile adventure. Running downtown intoxicated trying to get into a hostile for the night as we spoke so eloquently with out British accents. Success?, nah.

P.S.

I'm not sure why I'm vomiting in all these comics.

true stories though.

Seri-ass

I'm Leaving.

I hate moving. This will be the 6th time I've moved in the last 5 years. Greattttttt

Well I caved. Everyone who knows anything about me knows that my apartment has become infested with cockroaches. After returning home from my Montreal "extravaganza" Weekend, I walked into my place, looked on the carpet at the 4 or 5 exploded cockroaches lying next to a 2 inch in diameter furry black spider and vomited all over the floor running to the Insectometer 5000 wet/dry vacuum sucking up all remnants of the disgusting mess on the floor. and cried for the next half hour, wiping and bleaching the mice shit off the countertops.

Today I gave my termination notice.

PHUNG. NEVER AGAIN do i rent in a basement. NEVER.

The end.

Oh Montreal!!

Hello! I will welcome myself back from this little blogging vacation.

"Welcome"

Back from my mini weekend vacay in Montreal. Full of booze, sweat, facepaint, tears & beers.

Ate way too much ethnic foods and drank enough Sparkletinis and Margaritas to end up with a 10lb gain from 3 days. Congratulations. You are disgusting.

I LOVE BoPEEP SHAVER, thanks for being the hostess with the most-ess and letting us take over your room even after 3 Amigos. Sweet as Pie.

and I heard through the grapevine that Richard Vogt follows this fantastic blog- so here is the shout out of the century!!!!!! HI RICK!!! Allysia was thinking of you in the above picture.

PHUNG

I am Hung-the-phung over from 2 beers.

I obviously have issues. The end.

BoPeep is hungover. It makes me giggle.

Sizzling Saturday Night!

Shellard & father visit Beatrice in the big city.

GOD I LOVE THESE PEOPLE!!!!

Dad and Apple Toots came to visit today! we rode the rocket, took the streetcar and talked and giggled about random, random things such as midgets and 'Bring Your Own Baby' day on the ttc . We went to Paupers for lunch/dinner and I had an R&G. Now I am drunk. Wee. the end.

Go Away

ATTENTION ALL COCKROACHES!

GET THE PHUNG OUT OF MY APARTMENT


so gross. I always find body parts in the morning spread across the place.
I will also need a new vacuum. Once this ones full, its going straight into the garbage. Not dumping out that filter. Yuck

Puddin' Pop

Someone has a sweet tooth.

Thursday I made cupcakes for Kyla at work. She hates work and needed some up lifting. It was 'Kyla's not depressed Friday'.

I woke up the next morning with icing on my hands. I thought I must have eaten one in my sleep. I then looked over to P.F.'s side of the bed and there he was sleeping like an angel icing spread across his furry face with sprinkles. What a dink. He ate my cupcakes.

PuddingFace or Stewie Griffin?

Pudding Face Ward watches so much Family Guy when I'm at work and then again at night with me that I am convinced he thinks hes Stewie.

Every morning at 6:00 he starts tossing shit at me off the top of my headboard. Books, candles, his own cat toys, anything to try and wake me up. His new trick is attacking the blinds above my bed and making the loudest crackling noises while basically hanging off the cord.

My cat is evil, I love him to death but he is the devil.

also, can someone come over and help me trim his dagger claws?? It really isn't a great feeling to wake up to.

LOVE YOU PF.

I didn't ACTUALLY think I was retarded.

What a day.

On the Yonge subway line and almost at work. I had my iPod in and was rocking out to The Veronicas (my new fave). Definitely was singing along in my head but probably moving my mouth a lil. I saw an old lady sitting down on the train saying something but I didn't hear her because my music was so loud so I just ignored it. I turned the other way and then I feel someone pulling at my arm, pulling me back. I nearly shat my pants. I look back and it was the fragile old lady. "WTF?!" I thought, and she said something again. I took my earbuds out and she told me she thought I was deaf and that I should sit down because I didn't look stable.

FML. The picture above is totally what I must've looked like this morn.

Lettuce NEVER do that again.

What's wrong with the way I look??

Hmmmm.... Pretty sure this comic is my LIFE. Loveeee costumes betches!

Sweaty Betty

3/3 on the gym

Bia is one Sweaty Betty!

Love it.

Photo Op?

Hi Everyone! Its SATURDAY!!

I just realized that I have not ONE normal picture of myself in the collection of over 2000 photographs on here.

I was almost ready to cross over to the world of online dating after seeing the lack of decent men in the Toronto community.

WHERE ARE THEY???
I guess they don't exist!
Maybe I should try... Plenty of Fish!

hah! basically the first question on the sign up form was to upload a photo.

Ok- EASyyy breezy. NOT. I looked through the achieves of self portraits. Great. I'm wearing spandex with face paint in 99% of them and then the remaining photos I am 300 lbs overweight. I know what kind of guy that attracts. Big booty lovers, incredibly fat balding men, and 50 year old grease hogs.

not my idea of a perfect boyfriend.

Well my goal for this weekend is to not paint my face and attempt to look like a regular plain jane in one photo. Should be easy since I seem to fill my camera's memory everytime, but hasn't happened to date so we shall see.

Till then (tomorrow) I hope my internet followers- BoPeep, BIT and Lynn- You ladies have a wonderful night. I will be getting my drink on at the Social and shaking my hair.

LOVE YOU BITCHES!

Self-Explanitory

31 cent scoop day at Baskin Robbins + Lactose Intolerant disease =
VOMIT

Gets me every time! PHUNGGGG!

I LOVE ICECREAM.

1) Bubblegum
2) Pistachio
3) MintChip
4) Chocolate Chip cookie dough
5) Greentea
........

I could go on forever.

Just me and my apartment

Farmer Bia & Son

Frugal Fri..errr..Thursday.

I'm going to Honest Ed's. Weeeeeeeeee!!!

I'm bacccccckkkkkkk!!

Oh Blogspot, I'm sorry I traded you for tumblr. I can't believe I blogged with them especially since they had such shatty layouts. But I'm back and I will never leave you again. I will think of things to write and if there are no true stories, I will make them up. One of my best friends -B.I.T is on here too and you should check her shiit out.
http://michellespills.blogspot.com/
GOD, I LOVE THIS GIRL!!!

PHUNGING IDIOT.

Hates this douchebag

-Wednesday April 8th

Shatty Patty Apartment

I just absolutely love my apartment.

After eating my dinner of Campbells vegetable soup with a double shot of Wiser’s “de luxe” and diet Dr.Pepper combination I thought I would continue my evening as an adult by washing the dishes that may or may not have been building up for the past week.

The sink slowly fills up and I watch as the pretty bubbles turn into mountains covering all sight of the piping hot water underneath. I let some of the dishes soak, getting the caked on burnt shit off the bottom of the pots and then it is time to wash. Half way through my scrubbing I hear a peculiar popping sound. Instantly I look down to see the cupboard doors under the sink are blowing open on me spraying water all over the frigging place. HOT water that is. So I am phunging soaked and everything around me is soaked. I curse out loud hoping that the upstairs neighbours can hear me and will come running to save me. Pudding Face, my cat, stares at the water spraying and quickly also becomes wet.

I love my apartment.

I call my landlords to come fix the shitty plumbing and they said they will be right over. They abandon me and leave “Bia the plumber, and jill of all trades” to fix the situation.

5 Hours later it is still broken.

Just add that to the list of why my apartment is a piece of crap right after the “new” four element Eatons oven with 1 inch of crap stuck to the inside and an army of cockroaches hiding in the bottom drawer to replace my 1960’s two element slanted one.

Phungers.

-Monday March 30th

i HATE wheelchairs!

Hi. I would just like to say for the second time in 3 months I was nearly dead from a motorized wheelchair.


Bitch flew up behind me not saying anything and knocked right into me!

I got thrown to the ground and had bloody knees, by the time I got up she was down the street already and I heard her scream "EXCUSE ME!!" as she sped away!

grrrrrr.

PF

Here is the new addition to my family. PuddingFace. I use to hate cats until he came along and changed my opinion forever. I'm pretty sure he is my soulmate. He sleeps with me, he wakes me up when my alarm goes off by wet kisses, he rolls around on the floor like a retard, and hes phunging cute. LOVERS FOREVER. PF+Bia= LOVE <3

Leggings

Leggings
I wear leggings when its warm or cold
Every color in the rainbow makes me scream "SOLD!"
They go with everything, day or night.
They stretch the phung out and are sometimes bad for your eye sight.
I love them anyway. I don't care what people say.
Leggings.

me and kitty

WEEEEEEEE!!! so here is a picture of me and my kitty. I got him on Valentine's Day to be my new boyfriend and that is EXACTLY what he is. He is in love with me and I reciprocate those feelings for him. yay

Dang!

Things I am guilty of:

-drunk text messaging
-wearing sunglasses at night
-kissing randoms
-intoxication point at only 3 drinks
-daydreaming at work
-sarcasm
-lying and then admitting right afterward
-liking people only for their accents

hmm... will add more

Humane Society?

More like Lame Society.
I'm really upset with this shelter. I had my heart set on adopting this puppy named Soldier he was perfect only scared after being abandoned... twice. After going in everyday after work to see if he was ready yet I went in today and he was ready. I waited an hour after this one lady told me that I would be able to meet and play with him in the special room. I spoke with some man for like 2 minutes when he asked me how old I was and then he told me that there was no way I would treat this dog right or even have the experience to deal with him. I was so shocked and asked him if I would be given the opportunity to still socialize with the dog. He refused me and told me that it would be a waste since he was going to say 'no' in the end anyway.

I could have given that dog the best life it could possibly have in a much better environment that he is in now. I really can't believe that my age would play a role in determining if I am a good owner. I know that I could be a better mother to that dog than a lot of adults out there -especially in Toronto. If their power tripping egos weren't so big there would be a lot less animals in that shelter. I guess they would prefer young adults to go buy puppies from the pet stores and puppy mills.

assholes.

Dumbasses

This is a photograph of when Ashley and I were running for literally last minute birthday presents up Yonge St. and she made me jump over a friggin snow bank when crossing the street illegally. Phung. I even lost my shoe in that disaster... but I found it 2 feet down in the salt crusted snowbank. Wee

Kitty-napping

Michael K. would be ashamed of me as a blogger and I am sorry that I have not lived up to my own expectations of everyday blogging as I know there are so many of you reading this daily along with Perez and Dlisted... lol.

I have been so terrified of sleeping at night lately. Probably why I have been spending all my hard earned cash at the LCBO. When I turn my lights off all I hear is these mysterious noises in my walls and when I turn them back on, the sound is gone. No, I'm not doing drugs... there is something in my walls - either mice or RATS having a feast.

I have no doubt in my mind that there are fatass rats running around in there like its DisneyLand. B.I.T and I found a humongous one dead under my bathroom sink a month ago and I have been scarred for life. I forced her to rake it up and bag it as my face was sitting in kitchen sink gagging and throwing up from the suicidal vermin.

Anyway, back to the point of this story... I need to get a kitty to scare the pests away. At least it can sleep with me and attack when the mice run across my sheets in the middle of the night doing their usual nocturnal olymics. A few days ago, I was thinking about the adorable obese orange cat next door. I had a scheme to snatch it and borrow it for a night to see what it could catch. I got home from work and just according to plan, the cat was outside in my backyard eating its chicken chunks. I bent down and grabbed it. It didn't even resist meaning that it must have wanted a new owner, and I quickly ran towards my back stairs. The friggin old man neighbour came out back and caught me. I had to come up with a quick excuse why his fluffy cat was in my arms going into my apartment. PHUNG. well he believed me and we both went on with our day.

I need a kitty. or a small dog who doesn't bark and doesn't like to go for walks. If anyone has either for me... I will compensate you with my eternal love.

xo

Watch Where You're Going!!

I'm just wondering why in God's name do people in wheelchairs/scooters/weasels, whatever they're called think that they have the right of way. On the friggin sidewalks downtown Toronto are about 10 people walking within 5 feet of you at all times and with the snowbanks the sidewalks are like 2 feet wide. So I am sorry, but you must either wait till there is an opening or drive on the street with the other cars, not speed up to 25 kilometers an hour to blast through the walking pedestrians. PHUNG! I was inches away from getting hit by 3 chairs during my hour long lunch yesterday. ROAR!

Year of the hot Bia

Hello Bias! Long time no talk. My new years resolution for 2009 was to get hot. This is no simple task as it takes hard work and dedication. During the day at work I am limited to grapefruit slices and water. My fellow Bia, Ashley, sometimes witnesses me running to Shoppers Drug Mart for chocolate and hisses at me when she sees me sneak it in my mouth. I am so satisfied when I put that creamy goodness in my mouth but afterward the only feeling I have is guilt. PHUNG.

My ideal night activities consist of watching Wheel of Fortune, making salad and exercising. I usually put the iTunes on and then its over from there. Spice Girls just make me want to dance. When dance, I want to drink. When I drink I usually end up rolling on the ground making peace signs in the air and taking pictures of myself. The last two nights I have managed to actually do some routines to my new workout dvds but had to comprimise by having wine at the same time. A 5 lb weight in one hand and a heavy glass filled to the rim in the other.

Weeee! All this working out must be actually doing something because my muscles are starting to get sore. Well Peace out I'm hitting the sack if I can make it. If not, my exercise mat will do.

Not a complete asshole but still worthy of that label.

I question why some people must jump on every single trend there is and feel the need to wear them ALL in the same outfit. Phung. Those are the nastiest boots I've ever seen and why would you buy tights like that?? (don't laugh at me if I'm wearing them next week). I understand that she is 16 but she has all the money in the world and she should have a stylist who realizes that she is too young to know who Iron Maiden is. Heck- I barely know who they are.

She needs to stop making children's movies and go snuggle with her dad some more (puke)..... and get her mouth fixed.

Can I buy a vowel, Pat?

On my list of things to do before I die is to be a contestant on Wheel of Fortune. I friggin LOVE this show. The only gameshow better than than this is The Price is Right- and in third place is Jeopardy. I kick butt every time I watch and I don't understand how the dumbass people don't get it right as soon as the category comes up. The obese Americans ALWAYS waste their spins on stupid constanants like "X" or another letter that is highly unlikely to appear. Anyway, one day I'm going to be on there and I hope everyone watches it as I roll in the cash at the end of the show when Pat opens the special $100,000 envelope. woot woot!!!

XO

Military Bias

Mundane Monday

Not the most exciting day ever, so I don't have much to say but don't fret I have pictures, pictures and more pictures to put up!!!

WEE!

I will do my best to entertain you even on the slowest of days.
Jeeze- I may go have to make a gin & tonic.

Love you Bitches xoxoxoxo

Self-Explanitory

I could eat Thai Express everyday of my life if it didn't make me want to kill myself directly after.

Self-Explanitory

YOU RUINED MY COOKIES!!!!

Mr. Christie 4 LIFE!

So tonight I was so excited to make cookies for the first time since moving into my new pad. I thought that I would be able to impress my new co-workers with the special treats that I baked. Before starting up on the cookie project I thought I'd get my ironing out of the way. I got through one leg of ironing my pants when all the power went off in my kitchen. Phung! So I called my landlord to cry and he drove all the way over and it turns out it was just a button I had to hit on the power bar (I felt like such a doof). Next, I threw on my polka-dot apron and sat my matching oven mitts aside for later. I pulled out my receipe book and stood it on the counter. I mixed up this magical concoction of Skor toffee bits and dark chocolate chips in my pretty mixing bowls, rolled out the cookies on my non-stick trays and placed them in the oven while setting the timer. After I followed all the directions, the oven timer dinged and I went to retrieve my cookies. They were friggin burnt to a crisp!!! PHUNGGGG! I am never baking again. This happens to me almost everytime.

Mr. Christie is the only person who makes good cookies in this house.

I Love This Game!

I'd Rather:

Be in a mental institution for being too crazy than be too boring
Be known for doing something great and average looking than be drop dead beautiful
Be an African princess than a Jewish princess
Be funny rather than smart
Be beautiful and poor than rich and ugly
Have invisible superpowers than have flying superpowers

When I finally decide to grow up- ugh!

What I want to be when I grow up:

a dictator
a fashion designer
a gold digger
a mother of 10 children - obviously C-section (and no red heads)
a comic book creator
a hot bitch
a guitar player
and most importantly....... FAMOUS!!

What I'll probably be:

a tractor buyer for Sears

Friday Night Po-Po Lights

So Friday night I convinced myself that it would be a great idea to get arrested.

After pocketing a bottle of beer from The "Brunny" I walked outside outside only to find the most attractive police officers I've ever seen. Usually my beer goggles are wrong but I truely belive that these cops were men dropped down from heaven. I started hitting on them and I got ditched by my friend who screamed as she ran down the street that her father makes bombs. lol- dumbass. I drunkenly without one ounce of shame asked the men if they wouldn't mind throwing me on the hood of the car and arresting me. They told me I hadn't done anything wrong. I said "not yet" and pulled out my beer and went to take a sip. They told me it was illegal and I said I didn't care. "Well" they told me, "the only way you're going to get away with this is if you chug that beer right now in one go". I tilted that delicious beer bottom up and chugged like I've never chugged before. Beer pouring down my body and into my hair, the cops laughed and pedestrians took evidence with their camera phones. I passed the empty bottle off to a homeless man and took off for a chicken schwarma.

Wee!

That was part one of that story but I'll save the other part for another time.

(oh, and those two sexy girls are Nina and Michelle. I'm not sure what part of that night they witnessed but I decided to draw them in anyways. I love you bitches! )

Yos and Blows, Yes' and Nos

:)
gossiping
comics
randomness
fashion
drawing
laughing out loud
judging
worst quality tinny tasting apple juice. The cheaper, the better.
text messaging
ben & jerry's
one liners
my bias
inappropriate behaviour
cashmere
prank calls
cowboy boots
gin & tonic
dirty dancing
spandex
bridget jones
_______________________________________

:(
selfishness
spiders
olives
allergies
green jello
simple people
new world order
rats
terrorists
assholes
waking up before my alarm clock
posers
pancakes stacked too high
braggers
boring-ness
nickelback & mariah carey
liars
conformers
cold
life wasters

I don't wanna work, wanna bang on my drums all day!

I'll just take a brief moment to introduce to you The Bias. From far left we have B.I.T, middle- (me) BIA and on the right we have Bo Peep.

We thought we'd give the music business a try, and after kicking ass in RockBand 1 and 2, we ultimately decided that this career is going to bring us to the top.

Our strong music backgrounds really have helped in the creation of The Bias. B.I.T and I have been rocking out since we were young'ns. "On Top of Spaghetti" almost got us gold at our elementary school talent show. I was belting those high notes that everyone thought only the Bee Gees could produce while B.I.T was so into it with her organ that she had to stand as she played. Bo Peep found out she should have gotten into music a little earlier in life but at a wedding she attended a couple years back, she felt the need to drink her way through the evening. Wine glass after wine glass appeared at her seat, after quite a few she decided to be DJ Mix-A-Lot and spin some tunes from the rims of the half full glasses. Nobody knew she had it in her. The bride and groom switched their first dance from Etta James' classic "At Last" to the wine glass wedding song. She has been mixing it up ever since and has gotten many calls to do gigs.

Welcome Bitches!

I'd like to welcome everybody to my new blog. Please upgrade your computer chair to a Lazyboy, sit back, and relax as you will find yourself here more than you may intend.

I will promise you as Queen Bia, there will be many compromising photos, inappropriate humour, bitterness, love, and overall a fun and happy place (as long as you are not the asshole of the day) where you will spend hours at a time laughing until you pee. Pop open a bottle of red wine, change into your spandex and get comfy because this is where you'll be on your Saturday nights!